Feeling terrified.

I'm feeling a little terrified today. I'm scared about having surgery, I'm scared to lose weight, but I'm scared to stay fat. I'm terrified about having pounds and pounds of loose hanging skin, but is having pounds and pounds of hanging fat better? Probably not.

I hate having to admit to people that no, I'm not having gastric bypass surgery like I've been saying for the past couple of months. I really hate having to admit that I'm too fat for it so we have to do TWO weight loss operations. It's disgusting, I'M disgusting. I feel disgusting and I don't like feeling that way. I've been fat all my life, but really and honestly I haven't felt disgusting all my life. Sure I've had my days, but lately I really hate the way I look. I "almost" don't blame random people for making fun of me, and that alone makes me cry.

How did I get to this spot in my life? I have to change. I HAVE TO. I don't want my little boy to be ashamed of his mommy. I don't want other kids to make fun of him because his mommy is the size of 3 people. I want to be able to do things with him and right now I just can't. For the FIRST time in my life I understand what people mean when they say they "feel trapped in their own body", cause that's what I've been feeling lately.

Anyway, I forgot to call the dietitian to set up my first appointment, you'd think I would remember since this has been on my mind all day, but no, I remembered at like 5:30pm too late to call. I'll call tomorrow.

I want to do this. I'm just scared, I hope that's normal.